I’ve not written in some weeks, and while I was initially inclined to apologize for it, I won’t. I didn’t have anything to say, and therefore if I’d forced something, it’d be weak or incomplete or boring and then I’d owe you an apology for wasting your time. I’m learning how to forgive myself for “failing,” and learning that not every glitch in the schedule is actually a failure to begin with. So, in short—I’m not sorry.
I started thinking about why I haven’t written, why I don’t have anything to say, and I realize that, as of late, I’ve become unspired. The lovely and talented Carrie at Cannibalistic Nerd has been having some fun with this idea but it really got me thinking about how it’s affecting me and my universe.
I am so disgusted with what’s going on around us, so baffled by all of it, that I don’t even want to address it. I can say this about things going on personally, and even nationally and globally. The stuff that’s going on personally is, well, personal, but that isn’t even the issue. It’s so beyond my ability to process that I just don’t even try. There are no words. Yay exes!
This week the RNC happened. UGH. I read two or three articles surrounding that circus, and again I am disgusted. So much so that I can’t even bring myself to a rant. It seems pointless. There’s nothing to work out, to shout about. The ridiculousness extends far beyond even the most intelligent, articulate response. I want to put my uterus in a protective steel caging and hide underground, far away from the toxicity that is attempting to take control of our country and my body. Yay America!
There are people suffering terribly from Hurricane Isaac, but since the levees in New Orleans held tight, the rest of the folks who are in absolute peril AGAIN in Mississippi, Alabama, and Louisiana aren’t receiving the media attention they deserve. Anyone going to have a concert for them? Fundraisers? Is Barry Manilow or Wyclef Jean or Lady Gaga or anyone going to jump on that? Yay Hollywood!
And yes, this might seem like a I’m-saying-I’m-not-going-to-rant rant, but each one of these examples is something I could write at length about. But I don’t want to. And that’s what concerns me.
I try to live by “do good, and good will be around you.” And for the most part, it’s true. But if I am to only surround myself with good things, good sounds, good images, I can’t look to the outside world for that, save for a couple of adorable puppy memes on Facebook. It’s forcing me into isolation. It is making me retract from the world around me. I feel so hypersensitive that I don’t even want to answer the phone when friends call because I don’t want to hear it. Whatever it is, I don’t want to deal with it. I’ve had enough.
It’s drained my ability to be introspective, to look to places for inspiration. I’m in full-on I-Don’t-Care mode. I’ve not read anything interesting. I haven’t even tried to read anything interesting.
Oh, that’s not true. I read a book that talks about the ill-effects of genetically modified wheat on the human body and how the government and the FDA have, in the past 50 years, produced a new type of wheat that allows wheat farmers to grow more and therefore make more money. Sounds great! Yay agriculture!
Except it has so many horrible effects on the human body, AND is packaged in “this is yummy and good for you!” packages. “HEART HEALTHY!” bursts on boxes. Reports of how replacing whole wheat is better for you. Everyone’s ordering their Subway sandwiches on whole grain bread… And it’s true. Wheat plays a tremendous role in your health, such as: diabetes, obesity, IBS and other digestive diseases, Gluten intolerance, high blood pressure… but they don’t want you to know that. Yay health!
I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to feel this sense of only being comfortable in disconnect. But it seems that everything around me lately needles my nerves and makes me recoil. I don’t want to feel detached from the world around me, especially when my entire goal, the reason for this blog was to explore it and understand it. Yes, it has to have a dark side, but everything is so dark these days, so dishonest and destructive and ulterior, it seems like the focus shouldn’t be on seeking truth, but dodging and surviving bullshit. Yay bullshit.